“My parents’ life is not my life”

Category: Stories Published on 04 March 2013

Sveta’s mom went abroad long time ago to make money, met another man and divorced Sveta’s father. A bit later Sveta’s father met someone else too. Sveta is 14. She couldn’t make peace with her parent’s divorce, with the fact she could only talk to her mother via Skype and with receiving mom’s attention in the form of parcels coming from abroad. Even though her dad was nearby, he refused talking to his daughter or maybe was ashamed. His new woman was way younger than him and at first tried to get closer with Sveta. Later she had her own baby and started to get annoyed by Sveta’s presence. Sveta decided that she needs to see a psychologist, otherwise life will stop making sense. More than once she had to fight the thought that she was unwanted, undesired by her mom, dad and step-mother.  If there were times when she was needed it’s only to babysit her half-brother.

 

Every day brought new arguments with her step-mother. She was unhappy with how Sveta treated her half-brother. The girl started feeling jealousy towards her father and hatred towards the brother. What’s the sense in living? This question brought her to the psychologist. Several meetings were devoted to the girl herself, not her parents. Who is she, what is her character like, what are her strengths and weaknesses, what are her abilities, what does she like to do and what are her dreams? She especially liked discussing her strengths and weaknesses and learning to notice them in others as well. As part of her homework she had to give the test to those who are around her – friends, parents. This helped her to see not only all the flaws they had but finally those good qualities as well.  Sveta dreams a lot, but she considers her dreams unachievable and unrealistic. With the help of psychologist she learnt to turn dreams into plans. She learnt to set goals and think through steps for achieving them. Sveta admitted to herself that jealousy towards her dad was destroying her and hindered her relationships with step-mother. She changed her attitude towards her brother-in-law. She realized that it’s not his fault that he was born at this time from these parents in these circumstances. Psychologist helped her realize that she did not choose her parents and she is not responsible for their decisions, that her life is not measured by her parents’ behavior, but by her own achievements. She received guidance in how to base her life on healthy values contrary from her parents. Later on Sveta came to the last appointment sharing her achievements and changes she had made to her relationships with step-mother – way less arguments. Taking care of a little brother was not so burdening now. When asked what helped her change her attitude, Sveta said: “I stopped waiting for parents to correct all the mistakes they made in regards to each other and me. I realized that I don’t have to live looking back hoping to bring back what was lost. I have to start looking ahead and hope that my future will be different. And what is most important – I need to live today with a changed attitude towards people who are around me. I changed the way I treat my step-mother and she started treating me with more kindness and care”.

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